what would jesus eat?

i did my laundry last nite, then cooked some pasta and cleaned my room. i know, contain your enthrallment. what did you really expect? it was a monday for chrissakes. sky-diving and emu-wrestlings usually reserved for weekends and holidays.

anyhoo, just as i was wondering when a decent religious article would come up again, this article pops up on the radar. just when it seemed like everybody and their sisters had jumped on the health food band-wagon and rolled out their own diet plans, the right-wing christians prove them wrong and create their own dietary regimens. introducing…diets by god! god knows how to stay trim, and concurrently lead you down the path to his righteous kingdom. theres the hallelujah diet by rev. malkmus, what would jesus eat by dr. don colbert, the makers diet by jordan s. rubin, and the weight down diet by gwen shamblin…all diets that outline eating habits that are god and jesus approved. word…because anyone whos ever been to church knows that jesus is not only trim, but has a rockin’ six-pack.

the good reverend george malkmus, creator of the hallelujah diet, points out that at the dawn of life, humans lived an average of 912 years (right) by living off a wholly vegan diet of fruits, nuts, and vegetables. read as malkmus is a little surprised when a researcher determines that his diet seriously lacks vitamin b-12. “This shocked me, that God’s perfect eating plan could have a flaw,” Malkmus said. “But we realized that fruits and vegetables back then were more nutritious because of the topsoil.” good george…*pet pet* a columbia psychologist, stephen barrett, points out that malkmus is probably “the best of a bad lot“…which isnt really that comforting.

revelation one, theyre stupid. ive always had this thing against habits and lifestyles dictated by a belief system (religious or not). especially when it comes to things you should or should not eat, youre treading on especially sensitive topics. so first and foremost, these people are basing their dietary regimens wholly on religious beliefs and mythologies (yes…mythologies), and very little on actual scientific information. granted many are based around organic eating, which while pretty healthy isnt really well-rounded. and knowing that a good majority of the u.s. population are as dumb as a poo-stick, they might just go out and eat what jesus (according to dr. colbert) tells them to. which incidentally might be better than what they eat regularly, but they could potentially be trading in their shite eating habits for another set of shite and deficient eating habits. personally…ive eaten pretty shit for most of my life, and always had my superhuman metabolism to see me thru. but my superhuman metabolism revolted back in freshman year of college and left me, so now i eat more conscientiously (thanks to dr. flatgreg). healthy eating isnt dictated by god or jesus or what adam and eve ate in the frickin’ garden of eden. chances are, the naked buggers didnt have pans, stoves, or sharp pointy objects back then, so im sure that if they had the right kitchen utensils, they wouldve jumped right on those animals roaming around. healthy eating is actually just using your evolved cognitive abilities to eat a little more wisely and taking responsibility for what you eat. if you want to follow a “religious” diet regimen, imagine in your mind that jesus ran 6 miles a day. jesus was a tai-chi master. jesus spent a day tracking down dr. colbert and kicked his ass for profitting from his name. ass kickings ive heard burn a few thousand calories.

> bible-based diets (originally via wired)